Follow:
Life

Dear Dad

Dear Dad,

I was laying on the bed last night, feeding Oscar to sleep, and I had a banging headache. It was one of those really tired headaches that throb because I've had a disturbed sleep, followed by a day with a teething baby who had at regular occurances screamed down my ear in frustration.

It was a headache that I have had all too frequently recently and suddenly my mind was on you. It's a natural link because you died of a brain tumour. A mass that caused your body to give up piece by piece as it was spreading ferociously on your brain and leaning on the key areas that made your body work. First it was the part that controlled your left side, then your right and then your speech – until you were laid in a bed in a hospice taking your final breaths. 

I remember it like it was yesterday and yet it was very nearly five years ago. The last post that I wrote about you was on the four year anniversary of your death and I said that it was the first year that your loss was getting easier to deal with.

And that is mostly true.

But every now and then…BAM – it whacks me right in the face. Your absence takes my breath away and it hurts. It really, really hurts. 

Last night was one of those times.

When I started thinking about you, the tears started filling my eyes. I was trying to remember you, really focus on you – your laugh, your smile, your voice, your mannerisms. I wanted to see you, to hug you, to just be with you. I had to take a couple of those big gulps and hold it all back so that I didn't disturb the trying to sleep baby.

And then today?

Today Zach was hiding behind the curtains and I had to guess who he was. I went through all of the grandparents and that included you – Grandad in the woods. When I mentioned you (and put the thought into his head), he then was you and do you know what he said to me? 

 

I am going to be Grandad in the woods. I am going to pretend that he's alive again. Grandad in the woods is alive again. 

 

It was like a punch to the throat and I had to hold back my emotions because I didn't want him to think that he had upset me. But by god, I so wish it were true. I wish it was that easy, that you could just be alive again. That you were here with us watching your grandsons grow up. That you were watching me attempt to juggle two children. That you were as totally impressed as I was today when Seat (the car dealership) collected my car for a service and then dropped it back to me when they were done!

I wish that bloody tumour had been non-existent. Or that if it absoutely had to be there, it was treatable – that you had at least some chance of surviving it. It was so cruel, so harsh, so unfair.

I wish that when I walk up Caroline's staircase, the pictures on the walls were of my alive Dad rather than my dead one. I wish, I so so wish that my two gorgeous boys got to play trains with you, or help you in the garden. 

I know that life is unfair. I know that this happens and has happened to so many other people. But this is me, this is my life story and it absolutely sucks that you are no longer a part of it. 

I miss you Dad. I miss you so bloody much.

xxxx

 

 

Share on
Previous Post Next Post

You may also like

50 Comments

  • Reply Mrs H

    Oh beautiful lady, I just want to give you the biggest hug. I can't even comprehend how you must feel. This is so beautifully written and made me sob silent tears. I felt every word. Your Dad would be so proud of you and the amazing Mum you are to his gorgeous Grandsons. I love you lots honey. Hugs Lucy xxxx

    Mrs H recently posted…My Rainbow Baby featuring Somewhere after the rainbowMy Profile

    February 24, 2017 at 10:04 pm
    • Reply Mummascribbles

      Aww thank you so much gorgeous. That means such a lot xxxz

      February 24, 2017 at 10:15 pm
  • Reply Janine Dolan

    Beautifully written and made me cry. Simply because my mum died of cancer and her third anniversary is coming up in March. 

    I'm planning on writing a letter to her that day but not sure if I can. 

    February 24, 2017 at 10:13 pm
    • Reply Mummascribbles

      Oh I’m sorry Janine- it’s just so horrible. I find it really therapeutic writing to him. Even if you don’t hit publish it’s probably good to get it out. Sending huge hugs your way xxx

      February 24, 2017 at 10:16 pm
  • Reply Audrey

    Such a lovely written piece. Having lost my brother I know the hurt it causes to loose someone so close to our hearts. My heart goes out to you. Xx

    February 25, 2017 at 8:01 am
    • Reply Mummascribbles

      Thanks so much. I’m sorry for your loss…it’s just so hard. Sending hugs your way xx

      February 25, 2017 at 9:48 am
  • Reply Holly - Little Pickle's Mom

    Sending so much love, what a beautifully written post. Your Dad must be so proud of you, and whatever you believe, I'm sure he can see your wonderful family and is looking over you all.

    February 25, 2017 at 9:19 am
    • Reply Mummascribbles

      Thank you so much Holly. I always like to think he is watching us:) xx

      February 25, 2017 at 9:49 am
  • Reply Hannah

    I'm so sorry, I can feel (a very small) piece of your pain through your writing. My uncle was diagnosed and then died all in the space of two weeks. It is unfair, for every one of us it's bloody unfair. Sending you lots of love x

    February 25, 2017 at 7:23 pm
  • Reply Rice Cakes and Raisins

    What a beautiful post, so sorry sweetie x

    February 26, 2017 at 4:38 pm
  • Reply RachelSwirl

    I want to hold you and hug you tight. Please know that I am thinking of you x

    February 27, 2017 at 12:54 am
  • Reply The Gifted Gabber

    Oh, this is such a lovely tribute to your Dad. I can only imagine all the other wonderful memories you have of him. Hugs! #twinklytuesday – Amy @ 

    February 28, 2017 at 6:21 am
  • Reply Amy Downes

    Such a beautiful piece, I'm so sorry for what you and your family have gone through. Sending you my best wishes #twinklytuesday 

    February 28, 2017 at 8:16 am
  • Reply Briony

    I don't really know what to say. But that was lovely and sad all at once. #TwinklyTuesday

    February 28, 2017 at 8:47 am
    • Reply Mummascribbles

      Aww thank you- it felt that way writing it! x

      February 28, 2017 at 9:27 am
  • Reply Italian Belly

    This made me cry. I can feel your sadness and so sorry you lost your dad like that. Sending you much love and a big hug. #twinklytuesday

    February 28, 2017 at 9:23 am
  • Reply Rhian Harris

    Ahh, I am emotional reading this. It must be so hard. *hugs* #twinklytuesday

    February 28, 2017 at 9:46 am
  • Reply Sharon Parry

    This is so lovely and it has made me cry. I miss my Dad too and he passed away 9 years ago. Sending you lots of love. xx #TwinklyTuesday

    February 28, 2017 at 10:04 am
  • Reply Mrs Morgan Plus 3

    What a lovely post, so emotional! #twinklytuesday xx

    February 28, 2017 at 10:04 am
  • Reply Jo Sandelson

    What a beautiful tribute to your Dad. #twinklytuesday

    February 28, 2017 at 10:08 am
  • Reply Coombe Mill

    I'm so very sorry, what a gorgous letter to write, I miss my Dad too, your letter brings back so much. #twinklytuesday 

    February 28, 2017 at 11:30 am
  • Reply The Tale of Mummyhood

    This bought a tear to my eye, the C word is just horrific.  #TwinklyTuesday

    February 28, 2017 at 12:39 pm
  • Reply Andrea @Topsy Turvy Tribe

    So gorgeous and emotional. It's so hard without them isn't it,  I miss my Dad so much too and wish he was here to play with my boys  xx

    Andrea @Topsy Turvy Tribe recently posted…Chaos the Threenager turns FourMy Profile

    February 28, 2017 at 1:10 pm
  • Reply Sarah

    Oh lovely. I'm so so sorry. Life can be so cruel. Atleast your little guy remembers grandad in the woods though. Lots of love and hugs xxxxx

    February 28, 2017 at 1:20 pm
  • Reply jen @ thehollyhockdoor

    Thank you for sharing these beautiful thoughts. I lost my Mum before my boys were born and often think some of the same things: wouldn't it be lovely if she could have played with them? wouldn't they have loved her company? wouldn't they have made their birthdays and holidays wonderful? We do the same sort of thing to keep a memory alive too. Big hugs to you and your lovely boys x

    February 28, 2017 at 2:09 pm
  • Reply Elaine @ Entertaining Elliot

    šŸ™ I don't think loss gets any easier does it. Sending a big hug your way xx #twinklytuesday

    February 28, 2017 at 2:19 pm
  • Reply kristin mccarthy

    So sorry for your loss.  My deepest sympathies for always darling.

     

    #twinklytuesday

    February 28, 2017 at 3:11 pm
  • Reply Stacey

    Such a lovely written piece, sending you big hugs. 

    February 28, 2017 at 3:41 pm
  • Reply Megan

    I'm so sorry for your loss. Such a beautifully written post xx 

     

     

    February 28, 2017 at 3:52 pm
  • Reply Barrie Bismark

    Lovely post. I am very sorry for your loss.

    #twinklytuesday

    February 28, 2017 at 5:13 pm
  • Reply Baby Isabella

    Aww hunny, such an emotional post. So sorry you lost your father x My mummy lost her daddy 8 years ago and it still hurts x It's nice to remember the good times #TwinklyTuesday

    February 28, 2017 at 6:00 pm
  • Reply MomOfTwoLittleGirls

    Aww … sending lots of love to you now. May the teething get better, the sleep get more, and the memories become clearer! 

    #twinklytuesday 

    February 28, 2017 at 6:34 pm
  • Reply Mrs Mummy Harris

    I am so sorry for your loss, this is such a beautifully written post. #twinklytuesday

    February 28, 2017 at 7:01 pm
  • Reply Helen

    Life can be so tough and unfair at times, I'm so sorry. Such a beautifully written post #twinklytuesday

     

     

    February 28, 2017 at 8:01 pm
  • Reply Kiri

    That made me well up!  Beautifully written. I'm sorry you have had to go through this. #twinklytuesday 

    March 1, 2017 at 6:56 am
  • Reply Tubbs

    I'm so sorrry, there's nothing quite like the death of a parent … My mum died a few years ago and I miss her heaps.  Hugs

    March 1, 2017 at 12:27 pm
  • Reply Amy & Tots

    Beautifully written, I'm so sorry for your loss. #TwinkyTuesday

    Amy & Tots recently posted…Liebster Award | Discover New BlogsMy Profile

    March 1, 2017 at 4:23 pm
  • Reply Megan - TMK

    Gorgeously written, Big love to you XXXX

    March 2, 2017 at 5:53 pm
  • Reply Kayla Arnold

    So beautifully written! I wish I could give you a big hug! <3 #twinklytuesday

    March 4, 2017 at 3:16 am
  • Reply Susie at This Is Me Now

    Aww I'm so sorry. Life is so very unfair. To be taken so young and not be in our boys lives now must be very hard. Sending hugs xx #TwinklyTuesday 

    March 4, 2017 at 12:02 pm
  • Reply Tracey Abrahams

    I can only imagine what it must be like to lose a beloved parent. Im really sorry that you are still hurting.  Xx

    #TwinklyTuesday

    Tracey Abrahams recently posted…Zoo AnimalsĀ My Profile

    March 5, 2017 at 10:43 am
  • Reply Crummy Mummy

    It always gets you when you least expect it – you must miss him a lot x #twinklytuesday

    Crummy Mummy recently posted…Our new look starring our Valentineā€™s Day baby!My Profile

    March 6, 2017 at 11:40 am
  • Reply Silly Mummy

    That's beautiful and heartbreaking. I think it's so lovely that you have a special way of referring to grandad who isn't here, so that he is still real to Zach as a grandad. My grandad on my mum's side died when I was very young, a toddler, and my sister was a baby. My mum was very close to her dad, and his favourite, and she has always said that he was very good with children. It's always made her sad that he didn't get to see us grow up, and we didn't know him. I think she would have liked it if we had known him and talked of him as our grandad, though we couldn't see him, like Zach does. #TwinklyTuesday

    March 6, 2017 at 5:58 pm
  • Reply Caro | The Twinkle Diaries

    Oh chickie šŸ™ This made me well up. Grief is so cruel isn't it? Just as you think you're coping with the death of a loved one — and things start to get a little easier — it hits you in the face like a train. I'm so sorry about your dad. I can't imagine how hard it must be. It's bad enough when I lost my grandad and my nana. But losing a parent must be on another level. Thinking of you — big kiss XXX

    Caro | The Twinkle Diaries recently posted…Home Etc #89 ā€” and some news!My Profile

    March 8, 2017 at 10:52 am
    • Reply Mummascribbles

      Thank you so much gorgeous. I thought it was horrendous losing a grandparent but this was on a whole other scale. Totally sucks but it is what it is xxxx

      March 8, 2017 at 12:16 pm

    Leave a Reply

    CommentLuv badge

    Subscribe To Our Newsletter

    Join theĀ mailing list to receive the latest newsletter.

    Thanks so much for signing up :) 

    %d bloggers like this: