It is almost four years since I first held you in my arms. I fell in love with you instantly and spent many, many hours looking at you, marvelling at your beauty, breathing you in and wanting to savour every precious moment with you. For the past four years you have been the sole focus of everything I do. All of the horrible hours that I have worked have been so that we could provide for you. So that you had a roof over your head, food on the table and clothes on your back. Every weekend has been about you. The house has been a mess, there has been dust and overgrown grass but it's because we've been too busy having fun, making sure that the time we do get with you has been special. You are my first baby, my first love. My god the love I have for you is sometimes overwhelming. There are times when you drive me crazy but I love you with all of my heart and soul and I will continue to do that forever.
Things however, are about to change. You are about to become a big brother. You have spent the last six months (we didn't tell you until we reached the 3 month mark) watching my tummy grow. You have squashed it, you have kissed it and you have cuddled it more than I ever thought it was possible to want to cuddle something. Every morning you wake up and you immediately tell me you want to cuddle my tummy. While doing so, you have been booted in the face by your baby brother's limbs. You have seen my tummy move around which you find very funny and you have asked over and over again if he is coming yet.
And now the time is near. He could arrive at any moment and suddenly your role in the house is going to change. You are no longer going to be my baby boy. I mean to me, you will always be my baby boy, but whenever I refer to you as my baby, you tell me strongly that you are big boy, not a baby. And this is about to be so true. I know that when I am holding the newest addition to our family, you are going to suddenly look absolutely huge.
You are so excited about becoming a big brother but I am not 100% sure that you understand entirely what is about to happen. You don't realise that I am suddenly going to have to split my attention. The attention that has up until now, always been yours. That I won't immediately be able to come and see what you have done, might not immediately be able to get you that glass of water, might not be able to sit at that exact moment and play with you or read with you. I will try my best but I know that one of the things that you are going to have to get better at is having a little patience. Because you take after me very much in that sense and your patience is seriously lacking!
One thing I do know is that you are going to be the most loving big brother. I really do have no worries about how you are going to take to this baby and if anything, I think I might have to hold you back a bit from being a bit smothering. When we recently went to visit your new little pal Clara, you were immediately besotted with her. You stroked her head, you wanted her to join in our shopping list game, you held her like she was the most precious little thing and you laid with her on her playmat because you wanted to play with her. Honestly, my heart was bursting with pride at what a beautiful little thing you are when it comes to other children, particularly babies. And that is why I know you are going to be besotted with your baby brother. And I am going to try to be as relaxed as possible in allowing you to hold him, to cuddle him, to love him. I cannot wait to see the bond between you grow and you are going to be a key factor in that happening.
I also have a feeling that you are going to be pretty helpful. Ok, so when it comes to tidying up your toys or picking up something you have just thrown on the floor, you can be pretty defiant. But the other day when I sat on the loo and realised that there was no toilet paper, you got me some from under the stairs. If I ask you to pass me something because it really is too much of an effort to move from the sofa, you more often than not, do so. You have always been a helpful little thing and I have no doubt that when I need an emergency nappy or a clean sleepsuit, you will be on hand and help me, probably no doubt wanting to join in the changing of nappies or clothes – you certainly wanted to help Liz when she was changing Clara's!
I am so excited to be bringing this baby into the family. So excited to give you this new role. So excited to give you a sibling to grow up with, to know that you will always have someone there. Yes you are going to fight, argue, wind each other up, fall out, make up! I did it regularly with your Aunt Coo so I totally know it's not all going to be beautiful perfection. But I just can't wait to see you with your new playmate and to watch the two of you grow side by side. It is going to be the most magical thing and I am already so proud of the big brother that you are going to be. Your little brother doesn't yet know how lucky he is to have you.
The most important thing for you to know is that just because there is going to be a new little person in my life, it doesn't mean I am going to love you any less. I just have to learn to deal with even more love and how to handle those overwhelming moments when the two of you will be making my heart burst. You will always be my first love, my first born, my first baby. But there is room inside my heart for the both of you and I cannot wait to shower you both with love whilst you shower each other with love. I just know that you are going to make me so proud.
All my love forever and always,