I love all things royal. I was pretty excited to watch Wills and Kate get married (although I ended up not being able to because I had laser eye surgery the day before and couldn’t see the tv), I have loved watching in anticipation as they have gotten ready to show their gorgeous new babies to the world, and I have loved Harry for ages, watching him go a bit wild, but equally, watch him develop into a fine man who so very much takes after his mother. And so when he announced his engagement and then set the date for their wedding, I thought yay, I will finally get to watch a royal wedding on tv as it happens.
I booked a day out.
Not only a day out, but a CHILD FREE day out. With my Sister. I even suggested that we meet somewhere that we can both reach by train so that we don’t have to drive and therefore both of us can have a drink. I mean, it was genius. Except that the soonest date we could get together was on the day of the royal wedding! And so, I wouldn’t be able to watch it after all.
Of course, there was the small part of me that thought, ‘oh, maybe I’ll reschedule so that I can watch it’. And then the sensible part of my brain told me that it would be continuously repeated on the 24 hour news channel and that every now and then, I can open the Sky News app to see what the cute Princess Charlotte is wearing, and of course – Meghan herself. There was absolutely no way that I would be changing the date of me getting to go out for the sake of the wedding. Hell, the only thing that could stop me is my own wedding and since that is two years away, I don’t need to worry about that!
You see, I have been DESPERATE for some time away from the kids. I’m sure in some ways that sounds terrible, but as any stay at home will tell you, sometimes we just need some bloody me time! And when I say me time, I don’t mean those couple of hours when Oscar naps and I get to sit in the garden, doing some work whilst eating my lunch in the sunshine. Of course, that is a bit of me time but I never ever know when it will end.
Will he do his full 2 hour nap or will he wake up after an hour and demand to go on the boob?
Will he wake up after two hours and for some reason still be miserable?
Will he only sleep for half an hour, allowing me to only eat some food and not getting any work done at all?
You see – that small amount of time in the day that I get to myself is filled with worry that it will be less time than I hope for! Filled with me rush writing a post and eating crumpets for quickness instead of the salad that I should be munching on (Friday guilt!).
I know that I have spent years working towards this. Years moaning about working and missing out on so much of Zach’s little life. Years working hard to enable myself to give up work and stay at home. And of course, I love it. There are very hard days and there are great days. Everything pretty much seems to depend on what mood Zach comes out of school in. And just recently there have been A LOT of hard days. I confess that just recently I have been struggling with parenting.
From the tears and tantrums of a tired and stroppy school boy to the constant demands of a small toddler. From the constant request from Zach to cuddle my tummy to the breastfeeding Oscar to sleep and him quite often being an absolute nightmare in managing to doze off. By the end of most days I am broken. Knackered, completely touched out, and sometimes, on the verge of tears.
But this is parenting. I am in no way concerned that I am depressed or anything. That’s not how I feel. I don’t feel that there is this dark cloud lingering over me and that each day is a battle to get through from beginning to end. That’s not it at all. It’s just having two children of very different ages can be really tough. They both have their own set of emotions to deal with, they both want such different things from me, and sometimes I feel like I am being pulled in a million directions and by the time the other half comes home from work, I am just done in!
And that is why I am rabid with excitement about going out with my sister today. We are planning on heading to Stratford, having a bite to eat, a few drinks and a ruddy good catch up. The boys will have a fun day with daddy and hopefully I will come home feeling a bit more refreshed and able to deal with the day to day parenting challenges that are facing me right now!
I love my boys but sometimes, just sometimes, I need a break!