So, today's prompt for #Blogtober is love and it's meant that I have finally got around to writing a post that I have been meaning to write for ages.
I'll never forget the moment that I laid eyes on Zach. He was screaming his little lungs out, having been extracted from my stomach before he had decided that he was ready. I was bawling my eyes out, and the other half was bawling his eyes out too. I know that not everyone is lucky enough to feel that first surge of love for their child, that for some it can take weeks or even months to develop it; but for me, that love was instant.
I fell in love with my baby boy the moment I realised he was growing in my stomach. I was fiercely protective of my bump and I have been fiercely protective of my beautiful boy since he was born. There is not anything that I woudn't do for him. OK,
most some days he drives me crazy, especially since he started school and has been acting like a teenager, but honestly, he has been my world for five years. He is my precious boy that I still stand and stare at when he's sleeping, not quite believing that he is mine.
So when we decided it was time to have another child, and even though I so desperately wanted another baby, I was unsure of how I was going to be able to love someone else as much as I loved my first born. As to how I would split that love between two of them. I know that the other half also found it really hard to comprehend and I think that he was quite worried that he wouldn't manage it.
Once again, as soon as I dicovered I was pregnant, I was in love. I didn't know him at this point though, so it couldn't be anywhere near the love I felt for the child who had been my all for over three years.
He grew, he wriggled (all the time), he kicked and punched (all the time) – almost like he was constantly reminding me that very soon he would be in my world. The second born child, reminding me that he was there – that it wasn't going to be all about Zach anymore.
And even though I felt this love and couldn't wait to meet him, I still didn't know how that love could be shared between the two of them.
And then he was born. And then it all made sense.
I fell instantly head over heels in love with him. He was the second most beautiful thing to enter my life and my heart almost burst open the moment that I saw him, just like it had done with his big brother.
And then, when Zach came with my mum to pick us up from hospital, and he met his baby brother for the first time, my god, my heart ached. It was the most beautiful moment that I have experienced and I felt utterly complete.
And now, a year on from that?
I love them both so much.
When I watch them playing together, my heart is bursting with love and pride.
When Zach is fast asleep and I am standing over him, I am absolutely besotted with him.
When I pick him up from school and he starts telling me about his day whilst skipping down the road, I just smile – a smile that beams of love.
And when Oscar wakes up in the evening, sitting in his cot looking around for mumma – my heart almost leaves my body.
And when he does something new, like clap, or dance, or wave – I am bowled over for this new little love who is learning everything his brother already knows. Everything I have taken for granted for the last few years.
I have learnt something very simple. Something that no mother can know when they are expecting their second baby.
There is no such thing as having to split your love between your children. Because when that second baby comes out into the world, your love simply doubles.